Help me.

Am I being cold? 'Cause I can't tell...

The frost has gotten to my nose..and it's cast a cold winter spell.

This fear of everyone, grows deep within my soul.

If it seems like I'm being rude, I just can't take control.

My heart is telling me the opposite of what my mind is having me do.

Please don't run away from me...I can't help but need you.

You seem to stay close, but yet you feel so far away.

I know it probably is my fault...that's why you never wanted to stay.

But I am wanting to know what to change, give me a chance let me figure out my life to rearrange. I know I'm always lost in my ways...Just give me a chance, before the end of my days.


Written 2010

More Time.

I only every write in the most difficult times in my life. It's what I have noticed about myself. During the "dark days" I have this constant motivation to write everything that I am thinking and feeling on any and every forum I absolutely can. Most importantly, my journal, of course. The one thing that I will probably keep forever and ever, even after the internet explodes and gets it's guts everywhere.

History repeats itself.

Totally cliche, but absolutely accurate. It's all a reoccurring memory that I've had to live through in my mind, so many times before. Don't feel bad. I've accepted it. But now that I am seeing this trend, it awakens my senses. I've activated my alarm so it will sound at the heart-beat pounding that happens every time. I never will regret it. It's still stinging, slowly healing in time, just give it some time.

This time, I've timed it. It's a miracle. I've arrived at where I never wanted to be. I've walked here, no ran here and I'll stay forever. It has always been this hard for me to say anything that makes sense to anyone else but me. As many times as I have shoved a translator down my throat, it keeps coming back up more scattered than before.

Coping with this disease I had many years before, and now it's found me again and haunting my dreams. Please don't be mad at me, for these letters grouped together to form something you read. It's just something I can't help but to do. I've done it before. I'm doing it again. I never thought this would happen. But it did.

Freely to Speak

I feel like this blog site is more of a home to me than the other. I feel like when I post my feelings on here they aren't judged and I can speak freely...

My Freaking Goodness

Now, I know my last blog was me saying something about me neglecting blogging, and what not. I am sorry!

As much as I like "Tumblr" I do enjoy blogging on this site! Mostly because I feel like I am more free to blog on here, and no one will see it! But it's still just nice to have it out there in bloggy-land!

I am going to try to switch out and blog on here as well as tumblr! So yeah! It's really late and I am so EXHAUSTED! So...goodnight world. Or person. Because there is probably only ONE person reading this...Which, I am totally fine with by the way! Better ONE then NONE! :) Anywoosles! Write here later! :)

Goodnight! :)

Smile More!! :)

Neglected..

So ever since I got tumblr...I neglected this blog!!! I sorry!!! I will try to fix that!! I want to start writing pretty things this summer. Like poems or songs, or even perhaps...stories!! But I really want to try to write more or something!! I miss it! It helps me to think better and relax! Well, anyways...I hope to come back soon!! :)

Two Sides.

Weird moods are no fun. The ones present in me take over me, and totally control all of me. It's like I can't even do anything about the way I act. My attitude, my actions, and everything about me has gone up and down like a roller coaster. It's almost as if I have turned into Doctor Jeckle, and Mr. Hyde.

I absolutely hate this too. I am completely aware of my actions, I know just what I am doing, but I can't stop. I can't stop talking in a horrid tone, or screaming really loud, or sounding like a complete and utter jerk. What's wrong with me? What's going on with me? Why am I having such a hard time and all these troubles of controlling myself?

Usually, I'm very open minded, caring and loving. But when my Mr. Hyde comes out it's selfishness/self-centered-ness, not caring, and hatred. Who is this Mr. Hyde that is partially beginning to control, and ruin me? I need to get it out of me.

Perhaps it's a feeling that's trapped that I can't let go and it's effecting my mind and not allowing me to be happy. Is it possible for a feeling to have this kind of power? I wouldn't think so, but I suppose if I have many bottled up feelings that are trying to come out, and trying to make themselves known, they could all at once affect me very negatively. Anything is possible right?

I just remember when I used to always be happy. "Happiness is a choice" is exactly how I lived. Even though that saying rings in my ears, it doesn't seem to always connect correctly into my brain anymore.

Pppppppppprom.

Prom. Oh how that dreadful four letter word that coldly rattles my bones. It's a horror, and a wonder.

Recently I watched the movie, "Pretty In Pink", which is pretty much about this one girl who wants to go to prom because it's tradition but doesn't because it's stupid. Then the guy of her dreams asks her to go with him, little does she know that he had forgotten he had already asked another girl to prom. She's crushed, but determined to go to prove to the "beautiful people" that they have no broken her. Using her amazing sewing skills, with the help of fabric lent to her by her father and a good friend, she concocts a beautiful pink dress. Arriving at the doors of prom she walks in, and quickly becomes disheartened. Until she sees her best guy friend, who "secretly" loves her, is standing waiting for her. They both walk in together flaunting their pride, and then her dream boy realizes what a jerk he was and apologizes. Shortly after he leaves, her best friend tells her to go after him, because he only wants her to be happy. She reaches him in the nick of time, they kiss, the end.

I thought it was funny to be watching a movie about prom, when I soon will be going to prom myself. I almost feel like that girl. I want to go to prom because it's a one time thing...and this would be my last first dance to go to ever, besides my wedding of course. It would just be something special and hopefully memorable to go to. Especially since it's my senior year, it'd be extra special. Although the thought of having someone ask me is wonderful, I know no one will. But somehow I am content with that. Or at least trying to learn to be. I'm making up my mind to be fine with going alone, because there's no use moping about it. That won't get me, or anyone else, any where. What ever happens, happens.

Other facts of this event cause doubts to float in my mind. Like the cost. Not to mention the cost of prom itself, but the cost of the dress too. Freaking tons of money, money, money. I've told my parents I'm fine with not going because I know it's a lot of money...But they do insist on me going to this once in a life time thing. So I plan to find the cheapest dress possible! Another worry, it getting all glammed up. Wearing a beautiful dress, potentially looking...well hopefully, pretty. Wearing heels, wearing shimmery makeup, having my hair did, all while trying to dance without looking like a complete dork...Yeeeeaaah..just a WEE bit scary. For some reason, just thinking about wearing all that stuff, let alone actually wearing it, makes me feel oh SO uncomfortable. Another factor of the fear factor full night, would be if someone were to ask me to dance. Here's the thing...I can't dance. I try, I LOVE to...But I stink. I guess though, it doesn't matter. Really,non of that matters.

Although I still have strong feelings of not going, I will. All these worries, though taking over my mind, I know, are silly. Wearing a beautiful dress and feeling like a princess will bring joy to my heart. At least I will be able to feel like a princess before I get married, so I know a little of wait may come with it. Good practice I suppose!! :)