Freely to Speak

I feel like this blog site is more of a home to me than the other. I feel like when I post my feelings on here they aren't judged and I can speak freely...

My Freaking Goodness

Now, I know my last blog was me saying something about me neglecting blogging, and what not. I am sorry!

As much as I like "Tumblr" I do enjoy blogging on this site! Mostly because I feel like I am more free to blog on here, and no one will see it! But it's still just nice to have it out there in bloggy-land!

I am going to try to switch out and blog on here as well as tumblr! So yeah! It's really late and I am so EXHAUSTED! So...goodnight world. Or person. Because there is probably only ONE person reading this...Which, I am totally fine with by the way! Better ONE then NONE! :) Anywoosles! Write here later! :)

Goodnight! :)

Smile More!! :)

Neglected..

So ever since I got tumblr...I neglected this blog!!! I sorry!!! I will try to fix that!! I want to start writing pretty things this summer. Like poems or songs, or even perhaps...stories!! But I really want to try to write more or something!! I miss it! It helps me to think better and relax! Well, anyways...I hope to come back soon!! :)

Two Sides.

Weird moods are no fun. The ones present in me take over me, and totally control all of me. It's like I can't even do anything about the way I act. My attitude, my actions, and everything about me has gone up and down like a roller coaster. It's almost as if I have turned into Doctor Jeckle, and Mr. Hyde.

I absolutely hate this too. I am completely aware of my actions, I know just what I am doing, but I can't stop. I can't stop talking in a horrid tone, or screaming really loud, or sounding like a complete and utter jerk. What's wrong with me? What's going on with me? Why am I having such a hard time and all these troubles of controlling myself?

Usually, I'm very open minded, caring and loving. But when my Mr. Hyde comes out it's selfishness/self-centered-ness, not caring, and hatred. Who is this Mr. Hyde that is partially beginning to control, and ruin me? I need to get it out of me.

Perhaps it's a feeling that's trapped that I can't let go and it's effecting my mind and not allowing me to be happy. Is it possible for a feeling to have this kind of power? I wouldn't think so, but I suppose if I have many bottled up feelings that are trying to come out, and trying to make themselves known, they could all at once affect me very negatively. Anything is possible right?

I just remember when I used to always be happy. "Happiness is a choice" is exactly how I lived. Even though that saying rings in my ears, it doesn't seem to always connect correctly into my brain anymore.

Pppppppppprom.

Prom. Oh how that dreadful four letter word that coldly rattles my bones. It's a horror, and a wonder.

Recently I watched the movie, "Pretty In Pink", which is pretty much about this one girl who wants to go to prom because it's tradition but doesn't because it's stupid. Then the guy of her dreams asks her to go with him, little does she know that he had forgotten he had already asked another girl to prom. She's crushed, but determined to go to prove to the "beautiful people" that they have no broken her. Using her amazing sewing skills, with the help of fabric lent to her by her father and a good friend, she concocts a beautiful pink dress. Arriving at the doors of prom she walks in, and quickly becomes disheartened. Until she sees her best guy friend, who "secretly" loves her, is standing waiting for her. They both walk in together flaunting their pride, and then her dream boy realizes what a jerk he was and apologizes. Shortly after he leaves, her best friend tells her to go after him, because he only wants her to be happy. She reaches him in the nick of time, they kiss, the end.

I thought it was funny to be watching a movie about prom, when I soon will be going to prom myself. I almost feel like that girl. I want to go to prom because it's a one time thing...and this would be my last first dance to go to ever, besides my wedding of course. It would just be something special and hopefully memorable to go to. Especially since it's my senior year, it'd be extra special. Although the thought of having someone ask me is wonderful, I know no one will. But somehow I am content with that. Or at least trying to learn to be. I'm making up my mind to be fine with going alone, because there's no use moping about it. That won't get me, or anyone else, any where. What ever happens, happens.

Other facts of this event cause doubts to float in my mind. Like the cost. Not to mention the cost of prom itself, but the cost of the dress too. Freaking tons of money, money, money. I've told my parents I'm fine with not going because I know it's a lot of money...But they do insist on me going to this once in a life time thing. So I plan to find the cheapest dress possible! Another worry, it getting all glammed up. Wearing a beautiful dress, potentially looking...well hopefully, pretty. Wearing heels, wearing shimmery makeup, having my hair did, all while trying to dance without looking like a complete dork...Yeeeeaaah..just a WEE bit scary. For some reason, just thinking about wearing all that stuff, let alone actually wearing it, makes me feel oh SO uncomfortable. Another factor of the fear factor full night, would be if someone were to ask me to dance. Here's the thing...I can't dance. I try, I LOVE to...But I stink. I guess though, it doesn't matter. Really,non of that matters.

Although I still have strong feelings of not going, I will. All these worries, though taking over my mind, I know, are silly. Wearing a beautiful dress and feeling like a princess will bring joy to my heart. At least I will be able to feel like a princess before I get married, so I know a little of wait may come with it. Good practice I suppose!! :)

What a Rut

Do you ever just feel so, out of it? Like you've lost yourself, and you have no means of tracking it down. You've come to a state of mind that is not your own. You've become the worst nightmare of the one person you'd hate to meet. Somehow you turn into this monster, yet you can't seem to pull out of it. You can't seem to even comprehend how to pull out of it. You become lost in a pit full of your own fears, hate, evil that creeps up on you and causes blindness to your vision. To everything you thought you knew.

Every single night you reflect back on the day. It used to be, "Oh wow, today was amazing. There are a few things I would have done differently, but for the most part, I'd give today an A-!". Since now everything has flopped, your reflection goes something like, "Holy crap...what a horrible day. I did the exact opposite of everything I wanted to do. I ruined this day, and possibly this whole week. How can I even get up tomorrow and relive it...F times 100,000,000 for sure..:[".

Going to bed with regrets, is now something regular. You've become a disappointment to yourself, and probably to everyone around you.

Desperately you try to flee the scene, but your chained down somehow. You've gotten caught but can't set yourself free. The ball and chain seems to be rolling down a hill, and bringing you right along with it. No matter how hard you try to release yourself, it's got you and there's no way it's letting go. Asking for help from people who are free seems something of a great idea. But who. Doubt begins to seep into your mind. Poisoning it with the realization that no one will be able to help you. They won't listen. You are only, and just only, there for them. Not yourself. Don't bring your burdens onto them, they have their own problems. The poison seems to have worked.

Calling for help doesn't even seem possible. Every time I open my mouth to scream, sand comes running in and shuts me up before I can get out a small shriek. Useless...

Though I continue to realize things, and my mind slowing regains consciousness, I keep slipping and sliding. I want...No need. Someone to help me. Yes, I keep telling myself the lie that no one can help me, none the less, want to help me, but I need someone to help me. I am crying out for help. Before I finally sink, never coming back. I know who I want to be, and what I want to be doing. But somehow, for some reason, I can't get myself there...At least, on my own. There is an unknown fact missing, and maybe I do know it. But how do I get it. Just help me out of this rut...please