What a Rut

Do you ever just feel so, out of it? Like you've lost yourself, and you have no means of tracking it down. You've come to a state of mind that is not your own. You've become the worst nightmare of the one person you'd hate to meet. Somehow you turn into this monster, yet you can't seem to pull out of it. You can't seem to even comprehend how to pull out of it. You become lost in a pit full of your own fears, hate, evil that creeps up on you and causes blindness to your vision. To everything you thought you knew.

Every single night you reflect back on the day. It used to be, "Oh wow, today was amazing. There are a few things I would have done differently, but for the most part, I'd give today an A-!". Since now everything has flopped, your reflection goes something like, "Holy crap...what a horrible day. I did the exact opposite of everything I wanted to do. I ruined this day, and possibly this whole week. How can I even get up tomorrow and relive it...F times 100,000,000 for sure..:[".

Going to bed with regrets, is now something regular. You've become a disappointment to yourself, and probably to everyone around you.

Desperately you try to flee the scene, but your chained down somehow. You've gotten caught but can't set yourself free. The ball and chain seems to be rolling down a hill, and bringing you right along with it. No matter how hard you try to release yourself, it's got you and there's no way it's letting go. Asking for help from people who are free seems something of a great idea. But who. Doubt begins to seep into your mind. Poisoning it with the realization that no one will be able to help you. They won't listen. You are only, and just only, there for them. Not yourself. Don't bring your burdens onto them, they have their own problems. The poison seems to have worked.

Calling for help doesn't even seem possible. Every time I open my mouth to scream, sand comes running in and shuts me up before I can get out a small shriek. Useless...

Though I continue to realize things, and my mind slowing regains consciousness, I keep slipping and sliding. I want...No need. Someone to help me. Yes, I keep telling myself the lie that no one can help me, none the less, want to help me, but I need someone to help me. I am crying out for help. Before I finally sink, never coming back. I know who I want to be, and what I want to be doing. But somehow, for some reason, I can't get myself there...At least, on my own. There is an unknown fact missing, and maybe I do know it. But how do I get it. Just help me out of this rut...please