Questioning Questions.

Relying on what I know. Or what I think I know. Does it make sense? Does it all work out in the end? Will all this last and be usable for my future? Or will this all just be flushed down the drain. Once I have the chance, once the door opens right in front of my face, will I know and walk through it? Or will I just pass by like a stupid, unknowable idiot? How can I be for certain if this was meant for my life? Was this even supposed to be for me, or someone else? Would I ever get over the fact of the reason that I will never seem to realize? Will it ever all make sense in my brain, enough for me to be able to explain it to people, and have it make sense in my words? SO that they may some how be able to help me with my questions in life. Will I ever even uncover the courage to actually ask someone my questions? Will this water ever turn clear or just stay murky? Wondering forever hasn't seem to get me anywhere, but no one seems to have the answers to my questions, so how am I supposed to go on with no answers.

I guess just waiting will do the trick. Knowing that most of my questions will go unanswered, and being okay with that! I suppose I can live with that...Well, I'll have to!! :)

Dandelion

Dandelion, I blew a wish from you, hoping that it someday will come true.

I feel tiredness come rescue my pain, it sweeps me off my feet just like the wind and rain,

Carry me softly to the depths of my pillow, hide myself away under my own weeping willow. Clutching tight, I grip hold of my sheets, pain for the agony to stop, waiting for the hurt that leach, It sucks my life away causing me to hate myself every single day.

Something, it falls gently over me, trying to hold back tears of joy, it's peace. My horrified shivers begin to cease.

I feel warm, alive once again, life brought through my veins.

I wake and see the storm is over, the dead feeling now eternal life forever.

Holding my hands to the sky, my face, my eyes they begin to cry.

I feel no pain, I feel no harm, I feel not sorrow but His loving arm,

around me tight, and strong. I know this will last forever long.

I have found this hope in something so simple I couldn't believe, this little flower I hold in my hand has finally brought my relief!!

Time Sure Does Fly.

This time last year I was wishing I wasn't here at all. I hated life and I only wanted to stay in my room and sulk. I missed my friends and my home. I cried so much, it should have been illegal.

Boy how things have changed in the past year.

A little more than a year ago I moved across the country to a place I had never been. It was so different from what I was used to, and it had my great disapproval. The heat was unbearable, hotter than I had ever felt, and there was not a rain drop in sight. Or cloud, for that matter. For so long I loathed this land I was forced to live upon. I knew no one. I had left all my friends where I loved most, and I hated every second without them. I was so set on locking myself in my room, and not allowing anyone in that I came to know the real me.

My relationship with God at times was even feeling dead. For a while, I didn't know what to believe in. I began to question everything about God and, about everything I had ever known. To this day I still do(though I know God is the only one out there that truly matters). I had no care about myself, or my God. I cried out to him so many times. I just wanted to know "Why?". During that same time, a little bit after, my relationship with God was overpowering, and it was stronger than it had ever been before. It was then did I only start to begin accepting my place here.

The summer was over. Enough lazing around doing nothing. I had to start school. It was one of the most frustrating school years I had ever experienced. Because I was so out of the routine at home, I couldn't focus and I didn't like it.

In August of 2009, I became a part of something that has deeply changed my life, I met friends and joined the drama program of MoezArt.

I was so used to hanging out with adults, my parents or my siblings the whole summer, I had forgotten what it was like to interact with people my own age. Finding the first couple of classes really pushing myself to just walk in the door without my mom, was a struggle. My very first drama audition was tortuous. I had to, not only talk in front of people I had never seen nor met before, but I had to perform of the top of my head for them. You could say I was a little bit out of my comfort zone. As the weeks went on I started making a few friends. After that first semester, I had a different outlook on life. Though, I only made a few friends, I had no idea what was in store for me in 2010.

In January of 2010, I auditioned for a part in an up coming play of MoezArt. Never really thinking I would EVER get this part, I still practiced every single day as best as I could. I had to audition for it early because I would be away on a missions trip for the real audition times. The night I went, I blew the judges away. I myself, was even surprised with my singing. Never before then had I ever sung so hard, and so strong in my life. They had me sing the same song three more times. I was stunned by the judge's reactions.

The day after my pre-audition, I left for El Salvador. What an amazing experience that was to be a part of. I was able to see some of my old friends whom I had not seen for a year. One, I was especially glad to see because we had became great friends over the course of my time at my new "home". We all share such great times together, learning of God's love, and working to help others through that. It was a week I will never forget, and one I will cherish forever...

A while after I got back from my incredible trip to El Salvador, it was time to find out the shock of my whole acting career. Of course, on the day all the results came out, I didn't receive that very important e-mail. I actually found out on Facebook from a friend. I literally couldn't believe I got the part I wanted. My dream about having this very part, had come true. It totally blew my mind. I was shocked. Then after the first day of rehearsals, I was told that about 8 other girls had tried out for this part which I had been bestowed upon. One of which, and an unbelievable audition. Hearing all this, caused me to become EXTREMELY nervous. I was so afraid everyone would think I totally suck...and I wouldn't be what people had expected of me to be. I began to ask why I was given this part over anyone else? What was so special about my less than perfect audition? I still wonder that today.

Anyways. I don't know if it was because I was given this main part. Or if it was because people had truly seen the real me come out. But I made a lot of new friends that very semester. Right now, I don't really care if it was only because my part they talked to me. Because, I became friends with them anyways! :)

God definitely stuck those people in my life at the perfect time, and I now have some GREAT, INCREDIBLY, AMAZING friendships, that I KNOW will last a life time. Over the summer I hung out with some people. And now, I don't know how I ever lived without them. I talk to some of them every single day. I find it difficult not talking to them for less the half the day even. They raise up my spirits, and have brought the life into me that once was lost. They also, have allowed me to have a closer relationship with God, and know what a true friendship is like.

After living in this land where I once was lost and forgotten, I can now say I am indescribably thankful in so many ways, that God has plopped me here. For being here almost a year and a half, I can surely say this year has been one of the best of my entire life. Thank you to all of my friends, who have befriended me. You will never possibly know how much you have made a difference in my life, or how much I really care about you! THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL.

And...that's how time has flown by. I can not believe all this has happened, in such a short amount of time. But I am certainly more than glad it has. :)

Growing up is Inevitable

I am beginning to realize that growing up is inevitable. While I am very excited for what may come my way as I become an adult. I'm frightened. Scared of experiences I'm not yet ready to have. Decisions, I'm not ready to make.

My 17th birthday has just passed, and I am in my senior year of high school. How am I supposed to have my life figured out in a year? I have no possible idea of what I want to do for a job, or if I even really want to go to college. Even when I do think of something I would be interested in doing for the rest of my life, I begin to think more of other things I would like to do, and I just get so frustrated!

Why does it seem like we have to have it all figured out? And I need to work on getting a job as well. I'm not ready for all this responsibility and stress that comes along with it. How do I deal with this? I just wish sometimes...That I was still only 5. I wouldn't have to worry about anything except when Arthur is going to be on. And when my next snack is.

Prepared, I am not. Why does it seem like everyone has it all figured out except me?

I apologize for my little rant just then. I've been thinking and this has been on my mind for a while. I hope you don't mind!! Thank you!

Smile:)

One Smile. One Day.

One Person. One, Okay.

You don't have to be happy. You don't have to be sad.

I'm not asking for much. Just to see your smile will make me glad.

I'm holding on to you. I won't ever let you go.

Just as long as you assure me. Your smile will overflow.

Hearts are waiting, to receive such a simple gift.

To move your cheeks up, and with your lips a little lift.

To Date Or Not To Date?

To be completely honest, my opinion of dating is that it's really quite dumb and is a waste of time. Now, I know a lot of people might be offended. But once you really think about it...it is true.


(And btw...I am not talking about dating when you are an adult..or in college...just dating when you are in high school or younger.)


Dating in high school(or even before high school) is the dumbest idea ever...First of all...High schoolers have extreme hormones...not to mention we're very immature and not very good at make smart decisions. Secondly, what's the point? Can't we just be close friends...but not be boyfriend/girlfriend? If your already close friends there's no real reason to date, because you already have a relationship with them. The only thing you're not doing when you're just friends, is touching each other and kissing.


When you announce to be boyfriend&girlfriend it adds a sudden pressure. Pressure to be something you're not, or to act a certain way that you think you're supposed to act. When you're just friends...you don't have that pressure.


Yes, I do realize it is quite impossible for people of the opposite sex to never have a liking at one time or other, with each other. I'm not saying that it's wrong to like people and that you shouldn't. You just don't have to act on that feeling right away. I think teenagers tend to act right away on feelings they have...We don't really think them over and decide what we should do about them. If we thought with our brains more than our bodies, we all would be living a totally different life style.

Also, the whole point of dating from way back in the day, was so you could find someone to love and spend the rest of your life with. If you're dating when you're in highschool, there is a very high chance you won't stay together very long and you most likely will NEVER marry. If you're just dating for fun, it's wrong. What's so fun about playing around with someone else's emotions? Hurting and/or breaking someone's heart, once they have let you in, is no game I like to play.

Now, I am not saying I look down upon other people who have chosen to date. Or saying that true love is not found if you date. I simply just choose not to encourage, or partake in dating.

Not to date..:)

I Always Wonder...?

I always wonder if anyone actually ever reads my blogs. I post them hoping someone will comment...yet no one does. I am sure I'm not the only person who gets no comments or readers!!

This was just a short little thought in my head that I had!! Just thought I'd put it out there!! :D