Oh What a Bitter Feeling

Lately I've been feeling a tad bit bitter towards some of my friends. I really have no reason to feel bitter towards them other than they haven't talked to me much lately. But then again I haven't talked to them.

I hate having that kind of mind set. "I won't talk to anyone so I can see who talks to me so I can know who really wants to be my friend..." NO. That is such a wrong approach. I know this from experience, of course. My mind is certainly set like that sometimes. I hate it. I try to fix it. Eventually I forget and get back into the mind set once again. It's terrible, terrible I say!

I Hate You

I hate you.
You are the most selfish person I have ever met. Everything you do is self motivated in some way. You obviously could careless about anyone or anything. You put on this goody goody act. You act like you care like you really want to know. But all you really care about is yourself. You think about yourself and how you can improve your life. You think about how you're better then anyone. You try to wear things to get YOU noticed. You take to notice how you don't get seen in public. You take notice to how you barely get anything whenever everyone gets more stuff. You are a selfish bitch, and I hate you with my heart. I don't know if you will ever change. I hate you. The you I hate....is me.

Enraging Emotions

Possibly it is just I. Possibly it is because I'm a girl. Or possibly it is just how humans in general are.

What I am possibly talking about is emotions. Everyone has them...don't they?

You know what I hate? Emotions. They complicate life. They make everything more worse then it needs to be. Some emotions are good, and you can deal with them. But some of the enraged emotions that we get, are...ridiculous. Again...it could just be me. But I highly doubt that, I am the only person who's emotions go up and down like a roller coaster.

Obviously you know the term emo...Emo is short for emotions. Yet...people say that emo's wear darkish clothing and ...well I guess they would be kinda emotional. But anyways. I think that almost everyone is emo...for at least some point in their life. Even if you don't dress the part. Everyone has enraging emotions in their life some time or other. it's true!

Is This Not Enough?

Is this not enough? Am I just failing at what I wish to think?
Is this suppose to happen? Am I suppose to feel like I just want to give up?
Is what I think not right? Am I the most wrong of anyone?
Is what I think only going to lead me to something bad? Am I not giving enough?

How much more do you want? How much more do I have to give?
Is it because I don't read the bible enough? Is it because I pray hardly ever?
Is what I want to be the answer, really off from the question? Does any of this make sense?
Are my questions too much? Am I not enough?
Is my opinion causing me to second guess it? Will I ever get this right?
How many more times does this have to happen until I understand? A day? A year? My whole life?

Have the books I've read caused me to become more confused then I should be?

Why do I have to get so lost?

Is it just me?

You know those people, who talk about how God sent them money at the right time. How at the very worst moment he saved them from doing something really bad? Yeah, well I'm not one of those people...and I don't get it.

Do I have to be almost dying for God to do something in my life? What do I have to do, to experience God in the way that it seems like so many others have experienced? Am I just not good enough? Do I fail at living for God or something? He seems to bless everyone else.

Oh, and you know when people say how God talked to them? Yeah, not me either. How do you know that God was the one who talked to you?How do you know that it was he who told you to do something?Just how do you know?

Is He not talking to me, not blessing me, because I'm not praying enough? Because I don't go to church? Because I don't read the Bible? Because I totally am failing at life right now? Is it just me?

The Transition

So Far away, So long ago,
Was the last I saw of what I know,
Keeping my mind far from what it needs,
Trying so hard to pull the weeds,
From my heart and soul, from my mind and all,
trying to focus on the future and what it holds,
I tell myself it's not the end,
I tell myself it's not the end of what is to come,
Of where is to go, and what is to do,

Holding my heart up, keeping it from being scarred,

It's difficult, but there are other things that are much hard.

My distance stays from a far,

but it kills me each time I become more,

More stuck in a box, not able to break through,

But I'm beginning to let go.

To walk out into what I don't know.

Soon, things will fall right into place.

I just gotta keep up with this pace.

Where'd ya Go?

I seemed to have not been blogging in a while. Which I find quite alright since I know no one reads my blogs!! haha...(if you are reading this right now...sorry I called you a nobody. I really did not mean it!!:) Well I have not been that busy. Unfortunately I have been LAZY, with a capital Z. Recently I have been watching Vlogs by "SHAYTARDS". You may or may not have heard of them. They are hilarious. I would highly recommend watching them on youtube. They vlog about their daily lives as they go on, with no intention of awesomeness.Yet there is awesomeness in every part of their videos! Watching those videos has really encourgaged me to start vlogging myself. Even though, I lead an extremely ordinary, boring life. But hey, there could be somebody who finds it interesting.

Often I tell myself that no one will watch it. Everyone is gonna be like "what the heck, this girl sucks." I've just put those kind of thoughts in my head and that has caused me to be a bit hestitant in wanting to vlog. But I have indeed ridded myself of those evilly decieving thoughts and encouraged myself to gonna on and make the move. Also to help all those people who just spend their time watching other people's vlogs, wishing that they could be as cool as them. I want to bring encouragment to them and help them with their fears! I can not wait to start vlogging! : D