What a Rut

Do you ever just feel so, out of it? Like you've lost yourself, and you have no means of tracking it down. You've come to a state of mind that is not your own. You've become the worst nightmare of the one person you'd hate to meet. Somehow you turn into this monster, yet you can't seem to pull out of it. You can't seem to even comprehend how to pull out of it. You become lost in a pit full of your own fears, hate, evil that creeps up on you and causes blindness to your vision. To everything you thought you knew.

Every single night you reflect back on the day. It used to be, "Oh wow, today was amazing. There are a few things I would have done differently, but for the most part, I'd give today an A-!". Since now everything has flopped, your reflection goes something like, "Holy crap...what a horrible day. I did the exact opposite of everything I wanted to do. I ruined this day, and possibly this whole week. How can I even get up tomorrow and relive it...F times 100,000,000 for sure..:[".

Going to bed with regrets, is now something regular. You've become a disappointment to yourself, and probably to everyone around you.

Desperately you try to flee the scene, but your chained down somehow. You've gotten caught but can't set yourself free. The ball and chain seems to be rolling down a hill, and bringing you right along with it. No matter how hard you try to release yourself, it's got you and there's no way it's letting go. Asking for help from people who are free seems something of a great idea. But who. Doubt begins to seep into your mind. Poisoning it with the realization that no one will be able to help you. They won't listen. You are only, and just only, there for them. Not yourself. Don't bring your burdens onto them, they have their own problems. The poison seems to have worked.

Calling for help doesn't even seem possible. Every time I open my mouth to scream, sand comes running in and shuts me up before I can get out a small shriek. Useless...

Though I continue to realize things, and my mind slowing regains consciousness, I keep slipping and sliding. I want...No need. Someone to help me. Yes, I keep telling myself the lie that no one can help me, none the less, want to help me, but I need someone to help me. I am crying out for help. Before I finally sink, never coming back. I know who I want to be, and what I want to be doing. But somehow, for some reason, I can't get myself there...At least, on my own. There is an unknown fact missing, and maybe I do know it. But how do I get it. Just help me out of this rut...please

YOU.

I love you.

I love everything about you.

You are perfect in my eyes.

You bring happiness into my life.

You are found to be my other half.

You complete the world I didn't know.

You send shivers up my spin.

You put the butterflies into my tummy.

You knocked me over, face first, in disbelief.

You make me laugh.

You cause my hair to stand on the back of my neck.

You know me without a doubt.

You are wonderful.

You have many flaws, but I don't care.

You may not be the prettiest, but that's not what I see.

You make my heart, and soul sing, sing, sing.

You stare into my eyes, making me fly high above the earth.

You help me see with an open mind.

You expose me to new things.

You are you and no one else.

You love me for me, and no one else.

You break my bad mood.

You make me blush just by looking into my soul.

You sing love by nothing into my ear.

You hear me when I don't speak.

You read me over and over, like an unread book.

Your thoughts are of many.

You are the funniest person in my world.

You hold me in your arms because you care.

You break the fear I always have had.

You shred my secret of worries and doubts.

You bring hopes and happiness into me.

I have yet to find...YOU.

Beautiful

{Just because you are not perfect, does not mean you are not beautiful!}

Every day I struggle with the other girl in the mirror. I look into her eyes and think, "Hey...I guess shes not that ugly". Within five minutes I turn back, "Who am I kidding?". I begin to believe that I will never be pretty enough for anyone. At the same moment I try to build myself up of how good looking I am, while tearing other people down. I know it's wrong. Hating myself for even thinking that way, I fall to my knees in tears. Of the fake-ness I'm trying to make myself believe, and the extreme falseness I ploy onto my own loving friends. I've seen into the heart of this evil. The cruelty that has been embedded into my mind is not something I created. The media has conditioned my brain into thinking I am a worthless, plain, and ugly girl that no one could ever love.

Through movies, television, magazines, internet, and clothing stores people are taught to believe that beauty is having the perfect body. Without the best clothing, amazing hair, and expensive makeup, you are not beautiful. You are then, a low, worthless, rag doll no one should waste their time on. You are ugly. You don't have big boobs, a nicely shaped butt, a hour-glass shaped figure, you are nothing.

If only the media knew how much young women, and girls are affected by all this. In fact, they do know. They know girls loath themselves, and buy everything to make them think they are beautiful and aren't ugly anymore. Why? Why do they want girls feeling like they need to fix everything about themselves? One word. Money.

Just like everything else in this country, it's all because of money. Sure, you can be a "beautiful" looking woman, if you just buy this, and this and, oh this too! The sad thing is...We've done it. We've bought the clothes. We've bought the makeup. What we've really bought into though, are the lies.

Real beauty can not be bought. It's a gift that is given, for FREE. Everyone,(And yes...I mean EVERYONE) is beautiful, and has beauty. You may disagree with me and think, "Yeah..well, you haven't seen this one girl I know...she is probably, the ugliest person ALIVE." You know what...You my friend, are utterly wrong.

Beauty is not necessarily something that is seen on the outside. Although, I do believe that every single person's outer shell, on this very earth, IS beautiful. With that being said, beauty is not just looks as everyone thinks. It's something more than that. And you don't really understand what real beauty is until you've actually experienced it or have seen it, in not the way you would think too. It's so much more than anything you could ever think up. So much more than you could ever dream.

I always try to find beauty in everything.

Although sometimes I struggle with my own self image, and I get caught up in the media, and all that stuff that will never really matter, I still try to find beauty. I stop looking in the mirror with a critical eye. I stop thinking I'm better than everyone else. I realize that this is the body I was given, I can't change it, no matter how much I want to, I just can't. And I am beautiful because I was made by Someone perfect, and he knows that I really am. Thought it's hard to remember that all the time, when I do, it's easier to get on with life and think about the important things. Like loving other beautiful people for who they are no matter what their shell, or life style. Beauty is in everything, just not everyone can see it. If you look for beauty, you will find it.

You are BEAUTIFUL.

Walk A Mile In Yours

I wish so much to be able to walk a mile in EVERYONE'S shoes. I want to learn about how people have come to be who they are today, and how things happened for them. Also, I feel if I could become that person I would truly be able to understand them fully. Where they're coming from, why they live the way they do. Everything. Well I guess to an extent. Even living them for only as short as one day would be enough.

I love people so much. I respect them. I want them to know, I don't want to judge them. I want to know, understand, and be able to communicate with them before anything. To learn about a difference someone is making, a struggle one is having, or even just a little tid-bit about their ordinary life interests me so much, you wouldn't even think it's even possible.

Truly and wholly loving someone for who they are, in spite of all their faults and problems is something I want to obtain. Even if they are the misfit that no one likes to be around. Or if they're so utterly mean. I don't want any of that to matter. Those are not what make people, people. Those are just little bumps, road blocks, that people put up to guard themselves. Once you get passed those minor things, you begin to see what God has made. You begin to see the beauty of the person, and become in one understanding of all of them.

That is something I desperately long to have.

Unperishable

This is just a little snip-it from a song I started to write called "Unperishable". I haven't thought of any other words to go with it. So It might just turn into a short poem!

"You push and you shove me. You break me and don't love me. How can you expect me to remain whole? I need something so I can become, Unperishable. I won't let anyone break me down. 'Cause I am, Unperishable. A couple of years ago I tried to save my soul, but I was lost in a place where I became unknown."

dot dot dot...that is all...dot dot dot. for now...

Reading Into Nothing.

Why do we(Us girls) read into every little thing a guy does? He says "hello", to be nice. Of course, we read his "hello" as a 'sign', he is sending out to us on purpose, and we think that he knows exactly what he is saying too. "Oh my gosh...he is TOTALLY in love with me!" We blow it out into a complete and full length fairy tale story, just so we can tell our girl-friends about it. Maybe a subconscious motive to make them jealous, or think we are in love. Most girls would not agree with this. Some, do. I've seen it happen before with my own two eyes. The girl wants so much for the guy to like her. So she does everything to make it seem like he does...Not so much to make him actually like her. But what it seems like, to put on a show for everyone else around them. She allows certain things to happen, in order to decorate her story with frills. She sits close, right up next to him and asks you, "Did you see how close we were sitting?" What do you do to respond to that? You kind of have a feeling the guy is only interesting in being just friends with her. But you can't find it in your heart to tell her that. So what do you do as a girl-friend? You help encourage it, of course. Just for the record. WORST IDEA EVER. I've done it. But what gal-friend hasn't? It's hard to break their hopes, but then again...you are kind of lying to them in a way. Why must you be put into such an awkward position, not knowing what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks to do!!!!(Pardon my French)

Because of their hope in seeing every little thing. Us friends to start read into every single nothing too, just for their sake. Maybe it's because we are manipulated by them into believing these things are true. Or maybe it's because we just want so much for our friend to be happy...We try so hard to get ourselves to believe there is something really there. Even though we know the truth. The guy is just trying to be friendly and nice..THE END.!

HONESTY. Just be honesty from the start. Don't cover it all with sugar and feed them what they want to hear. It does them no good if it's not the truth. It will come back to bite you in the BUTT. Believe me, I know from a couple of bad decisions. I thought that it'd be fine. I wish I just kept my mouth shut. Honesty, however, is one of the hardest things to have in any relationship. Yet, it's the #1 most important thing TO have.

In the end. Just watch "He's Just Not That Into You"...

No but really. Just be honest, and be careful! Think about how you could hurt the other person with not telling them your honest opinions or thoughts...not about how it could end up hurting yourself.

Put others before yourself.

Told Without Wanting To Listen

I was a jerk to you, for someone else's sake. I am sorry. How can I go back and change how I have acted? How can I ever forgive myself? I was just getting to know you, and then they went and told me about you. Things I would've rather you told me yourself. I am sorry. I shouldn't have listened. I knew when I was being told that I should have closed my ears. I should have told them to stop. I wanted to be able to know you through you and not by someone else. You didn't deserve being ignored. You had no idea what was going on. I want to apologize...but I'm afraid to.

There is no excuse. How can I make an excuse? It's my own fault. I didn't speak up for them...or myself. I didn't tell them to stop talking...and I didn't stop listening...

I don't care to know things about other people whom I have never met. Whom I might actually meet someday. I could've almost became good friends with them. But you stopped me, because you told me everything bad about them when I didn't want to hear. I listen only because I don't know what else to do. Next time I will say stop. But I just don't want to hurt you. Is that better though, than knowing someone is being hurt behind their back without even knowing it? I can't live with knowing things about other people without knowing them first. Why did you have to tell me this?

I am truly...sorry!!